So time travel. Not that I'm opposed to it's practical application in everyday life. I mean who wouldn't want to go back and and make sure their big brother didn't run off with their prom date? But, you know, it really makes absolutely zero sense that time travel could be possible in any universe because it's just so damn impossible! Or improbable. Or stupid. Yeah, stupid. And now I sound like Dean.
So did Bonnie's enchanted photo album really send us back in time? Maybe. I remember the Impala going into Lake Bowman now. I remember Dean getting his ankle stuck, and being so scared he was going to drown I didn't know what to do. And I remember the two weird guys who got us out. And I even remember the really tall, good-looking one was called Sam and his short, bossy, not as built or as handsome big brother was called Dean. And why didn't I think that was weird at the time? Oh yeah. I was eight.
You know, you've never really experienced the utter stupidity of time travel until you've met yourself as a kid. I mean, I was totally not a stubborn brat. I wasn't. But that kid? What part of, "Get out of the car or your brother's going to drown!" did he not understand?
Jeez, Dean must have had the patience of a saint.
Never thought I'd get to see my graduation again either. You know, all I really remember clearly about that day is being so pissed off at Dad for telling me I had to go on that stupid hunt in New York that when he finally agreed to let me go to my own graduation I was actually glad he wasn't there. I mean, he seemed a hell of a lot prouder of Dean for dropping out than he was of me for actually graduating. Like my staying on in school was such a massive hindrance to him and his crusade.
Wow. I thought I'd forgiven him all that crap years ago. Guess not. Maybe Dean's not the only one holding onto a grudge.
Bonnie was cool. I would have liked to have known her when Dad first did. Seems like a nice lady. Would have been fun to visit her every now and then. Maybe at school vacations. Or on Christmas. Or something.
I got Chris and Amie's e-mail addresses. Gonna try and keep in touch if I can. I think Chris is a little scared of Dean. And Amie so has a crush on him. Which Dean never even suspected. His Chick Radar must be getting rusty in his old age. Every time she looked at him her ears went pink. Dean's ears used to do that whenever he had to talk to my fourth grade history teacher. Miss Sanchez. She was hot though. For a history teacher.
Okay and now I'm back to sounding like Dean.
Gonna get some shut eye. Let him drive for a while. I'm thinking we're gonna be heading back to Lawrence soon... I promised him we'd get Dad out of Stull and I meant it.
So. Enchanted photo album. Dean Winchester, this is your life! In beautiful mind-boggling Technicolor 3-D Sense-o-rama Smell-o-vision.
And it sucked.
Okay, not all of it sucked. Just the fire. And the death. And the drowning. And the demon. And more fire.
And Sam calling me his mom.
Actually, that last part kinda didn't suck. But if you tell Sammy that I'll kick your ass from here to Darkest Siberia, I swear to freakin' God!
Still. Bonnie's real nice. Real nice. I kinda wish...not that anyone could ever have replaced Mom, I just...I wish...I just wish Dad had told us about her. I mean, he didn't have to take us to live with her or anything. Could o' just introduced us. Let us maybe hang out with her and her kids. I was a pretty damn good babysitter for Sam - what am I talking about, I'm still a damn good babysitter for Sam - and I could o' helped her out. Y'know. With her kids. Taking care of 'em. And I could o' helped her around the house if Dad was off hunting. Done chores. Earned mine and Sam's keep. We could o' stayed just for a little while. Maybe Sammy could o' finished out a whole year in the same school. And Lynchburg ain't so bad. Jack Daniels and everything. And not like she'd have been our mom or anything but...Sammy could have had...Sammy could maybe have had something like what I had for nearly five years.
I wish Dad had told us about her.
I'm gonna kick his ass when we drag it outta Stull.
Sammy looked such a dork at his graduation though.
I left Bonnie my cell number. And my e-mail address. Maybe I can call her every now and then. Y'know. When I've got nothing better to do.
So, we're stuck in some creepy house with some even creepier guy off the TV - just what I need!
Of course, Sammy seems to actually like this freak, Jane, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it will keep his mind off 'Moonie' and what she did to that kid.
Sam still has forgiven himself for that, even though I keep tellin' his sorry ass it was the spook to blame. He didn't kill the girl. Hell, he was trying to save her. But well, if you know my brother, you know he ain't likely to let that little detail get in his conscience's way.
Me, I'm more worried about how we get outta this joint in one piece and away from the psychic wonder boy that is Patrick Jane. I swear the dude is so annoying I'm gonna swing for him soon. I mean, c'mon! Him and his CBI buddies set this whole whacked out trap up and now we're all stuck in it.
Way to go Feds....
Ugh, gotta run, looks like everybody's favorite dust cloud just dropped in for a visit, and she ain't looking too happy....
Yeah so this place sure don't get any luckier for the Winchesters.
You know, if I never see Lawrence again in my lifetime, it'll be too soon.
And yet, I can't leave.
'Cause Dad's still here.
And Winchesters never leave a man behind.
I gotta get him outta there. I don't know how. But I ain't leaving him to rot in no alternate whatever for five months. I know that for damn sure.
Sam wants to leave, I know he does, and I get why, I do, but I just can't. Not with Dad still...
I hate this freakin' place. But I can't leave.
And Sammy? What do I tell Sammy? I trust you, I don't think you're evil, you're not gonna go like that yellow-eyed sonofabitch you put down with the power of your mind? Is that what I tell my little brother? The little brother who froze me so I wouldn't go running after Dad?
And yeah. I know it was stupid and Sammy probably saved my life. Did save my life. But... he's never done that before. Used his psychic mojo on me. I wasn't lying when I told him I trust him. I do. But seeing your baby brother doing something like that with the power of his mind? Stopping me in my tracks? Killing another version of himself? Well that's some effed up crap right there and I'm kinda struggling to know how to deal with it. I love the kid. He's my best friend. I'd do anything for him - I'd die for him. And I know that other me sold his soul for him. And I'd do it. In a heartbeat. But... it's hard to see someone you love kill someone else - someone else who looks exactly like him - just by thinking about it.
But Sam? He may be a mirror, but he only reflected what was on that freak's surface. He only reflected his face. Deep down? Not every Sam Winchester is the same as every other. I gotta believe that. I do believe that. Because Sam and that yellow-eyed monster? The only thing they had in common was their name and their meatsuit. The Feather trusts Sam. And I trust the both of them.
It's gonna be okay. We're gonna watch each other's backs, just like whatever was telling us to. And it's gonna be okay. And somehow? We're getting Dad back. We just are.
So Dad's gone and it's all my fault.
At least, that's the way it feels.
I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have used my power - his power, that freak with my face - to stop Dean trying to get to Dad. Maybe he could have done it, maybe he could have jumped that chasm. Maybe... But no way he could have got back. Not with Dad. I'd have lost them both.
Am I being selfish? Wanting Dean back in the "real world" with me, rather than lost somewhere in there with Dad? What gives me the right to make that decision for him? The way I just...reached out. Just stopped him, just held him still so he couldn't jump... I've never used my power on Dean before. How can he trust me after that?
And yet he tells me he trusts me more than anyone on the planet. And I believe him. He tells me he believes in me. And I believe him. He tells me I'm not evil. And I want to believe him. So badly. I can't be like that other Sam Winchester, the one I killed in the desert yesterday. I can't. The Feather says I'm not a monster, that I don't have demon blood in me like he did...but how do I know that for sure? Is the whole "Winchester Curse" thing just something Dad invented to help me sleep at night, just like that other Sam said? That doesn't account for the other cursed kids. I have to believe Dad wouldn't lie to me about something like that.
And I believe in him.
We have to find him, but I don't know where to start. How do we open up a gateway to parallel universes, or Hell, or wherever Stull church really leads? Do we just wait patiently until March 20th, and then hope Dad reappears in our reality? Will Dean sit still for that? No way. No way. Just like he wanted to jump that chasm to rescue Dad, he's gonna want to do something, no matter how reckless or dangerous or just damn stupid it is. Because that's Dean. Stupid and short-sighted, but brave and loyal and selfless to a fault. He'd die for Dad. I know he would. Just like I know he'd die for me. Just like I know he'd sell his soul for me, like that other Dean did. He said he saw me die. And Ellen said he sold his soul. It doesn't take a genius to work out what went down there.
We need to get out of here, get out of Kansas, go somewhere, anywhere, put some distance between us and the gate. Go somewhere to regroup, to think, to work out our next move. We're too emotionally connected to this place, and not just because Dad is still missing and this is the last place we saw him. This is also the last place we saw Mom.
But I don't think I'm going to be able to get Dean to leave Lawrence. Not when he feels like we'd be leaving Dad behind. Again.
He says he doesn't blame me. He says I'm not a monster. He says I could never go Darkside.
I want to believe him. I really do.
We found a lead on Dad back at Morrow's cabin. It might be thin, but it's all we've got right now. The place is called The Comstock Inn - looks just like the kind of joint Dad would use if he was on a gig.
I know I shouldn't worry that he's not answering his cell, that's just typical, but it bothers me with all the recent hunter deaths, and I know it bothers Dean too, even though he's his usual stubborn self about it.
And now Dean had to mention Mia.
I'd hoped our paths would never cross again, but deep down I guess I always knew Dean and me aren't that lucky.
But if it is Mia....
I'm not going there, I'm just not. I can't bear the thought of her doing to Dad what she obviously did to Morrow. Just the size of the blood stain back at the cabin was enough to make me queasy.
And what if I have to face her again? What happened back inside that mountain freaked me, I mean, REALLY freaked me - channeling that kind of energy was just...unholy somehow, no matter what Dean says.
I don't want to have to do that again. Not in any fight, not even against Mia.
What if I inadvertantly become the very thing I'm fighting if I use this kind of power for too long? What's that saying, 'absolute power corrupts absolutely?'
So. We have a Cousin. She's called Daisy. Is Dean ever gonna run out of Dukes of Hazzard jokes? Somehow I don't think so. Oh yeah, she can control earthquakes. Y'know. Pretty standard for an archeology student. She kinda looks a little bit like Dean, which is freaky. Acts like him too. Despite that, I kinda like her. And she makes Zach happy, so that's gotta be worth something. What are the odds my old college buddy would wind up dating my distant relative? I can't wrap my head around it. She's a Claviger. Just like us. Can't be the Clavigers that were cursed though, otherwise I'd be doubly cursed, right? Clavigers and Winchesters? Hell, that'd pretty much be my luck though, right?
Gudrun's back. And so is Jon. He's a reincarnated Einherjar warrior sent by Odin to save the world. She's a Valkyrie along for the ride. Whatever works, right? Explains what happened in Canada a little better.
Dean just used angel parts to blow up some demons. That was fun.
And oh yeah, I just dropped a mountain on a Conduit between Heaven and Hell and reaped a couple hundred demons.
So just another day at the office for Sam Winchester.
I'm still not sure what happened back there. One minute I was me, the next I had Gudrun and Daisy in my head with me and all I could think about was saving Dean, Jon and Zach. I made an earthquake. With my mind. I reaped a demon. With my mind. This is not normal behavior, right?
I'm just glad Dad wasn't there. I mean, Dean was freaked to all hell and he's pretty much got a handle on the whole "my kid brother's a psychic freak" thing. Dad? Well I don't think he'd have been quite as understanding as Dean was.
And Dean's pretty much as scared as I am right now.
I started today thinking about fairy dust and I'm ending it thinking I might somehow be involved in the Apocalypse.
I need a beer. I need a lot of beer.
So we just put our second Hellgate outta commission. Or Sam did. Or maybe it was Cousin Daisy. Or the Big Guy (if you believe Gudrun). Dropped a mountain on it's ass. (Note to self: Ask Sam if Hellgates have asses.) Strictly speaking it was a Conduit, not a Hellgate. Potato potaaaaaato. What does Gudrun know anyway? Route 66 from Hell right through to Heaven with Earth just a truckstop along the way.
Oh yeah, Gudrun's not as dead as we thought she was. Showed up riding a moonbeam as large as life and twice as annoying and lands right in front of us with a bad ass sword for Volsung - yeah, he's back too - and some freaky Yoda crap for Sammy. "Use the Force, Sammy..." Yeah, and did he ever.
I swear to God, that kid's gonna be the death of me. I mean I never saw anything like that. Don't think I ever wanna see anything like it again either. 'Cause y'know, I helped change Sam's diapers. Not recently, but you know what I mean. To see your baby brother doing what he did today? I can't... I don't even... Man. I don't think Sam even knew what was going on half the time. I was kinda glad he had his eyes closed through the whole thing. I don't know what the hell I woulda done if he'd opened them and they'd been black. Or worse, yellow. I know this psychic ninja crap he's got goin' on is supposed to be a good thing (again, if you believe Gudrun), but damn. Reaping demons? Controlling earthquakes? This is my baby brother we're talking about. It's just not...right. Need to talk to Dad about it. Hell, I need to talk to Sammy about it. But right now? Not gonna happen. For once, even Sammy's not hassling me to care and share.
Still, we got outta there alive. With a cousin we never knew we had. Sure, she's a freak like Sammy, but who are we to judge huh? And even though I'll deny ever saying it with my dying breath, I'm glad Gudrun's not dead. And that she and her blond man-mountain get to ride off into the sunset.
Seriously. Las Vegas. Wedding Chapel. Elvis. Dude. That's one wedding I'd wear a monkey suit for. Valkyrie and Einherjar warrior married by Elvis. Maybe I oughta go suggest it...
So I'm not sure I can do this.
I thought I could. When I was on the phone, speaking to Zach. I mean, it'll be great to see him again - I really miss him and Becky and all our friends from Stanford. But. I'm not sure I belong there anymore. It was another life ago. I'm not that person anymore. Half of that person burnt up on a ceiing four years ago and now... I'm not sure what's left.
And it's not fair that every time I look at Dean I want to blame him for everything. I know it's not his fault. He didn't kill Jess, that freak Haris did. And Haris is dead now, so I should feel...different. Relieved, I guess. Happy its over. And I am. Happy Haris is dead. But still... Jess... And all I remember is Dean dragging me away from her to go find Dad. Dean dragging me out of that apartment when I should have burnt up with her. And I'm blaming Dean when I know it's really my fault. It was me Haris was after. My fault Jess is gone. My fault Mom is gone.
Dean's all I've got left, and if I keep blaming him for something he didn't do, then I'm gonna lose him too, aren't I?
God. I know now why Dean hates Kansas so much. Because I feel the same way about California.
And it's gone now.