At least, that's the way it feels.
I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have used my power - his power, that freak with my face - to stop Dean trying to get to Dad. Maybe he could have done it, maybe he could have jumped that chasm. Maybe... But no way he could have got back. Not with Dad. I'd have lost them both.
Am I being selfish? Wanting Dean back in the "real world" with me, rather than lost somewhere in there with Dad? What gives me the right to make that decision for him? The way I just...reached out. Just stopped him, just held him still so he couldn't jump... I've never used my power on Dean before. How can he trust me after that?
And yet he tells me he trusts me more than anyone on the planet. And I believe him. He tells me he believes in me. And I believe him. He tells me I'm not evil. And I want to believe him. So badly. I can't be like that other Sam Winchester, the one I killed in the desert yesterday. I can't. The Feather says I'm not a monster, that I don't have demon blood in me like he did...but how do I know that for sure? Is the whole "Winchester Curse" thing just something Dad invented to help me sleep at night, just like that other Sam said? That doesn't account for the other cursed kids. I have to believe Dad wouldn't lie to me about something like that.
And I believe in him.
We have to find him, but I don't know where to start. How do we open up a gateway to parallel universes, or Hell, or wherever Stull church really leads? Do we just wait patiently until March 20th, and then hope Dad reappears in our reality? Will Dean sit still for that? No way. No way. Just like he wanted to jump that chasm to rescue Dad, he's gonna want to do something, no matter how reckless or dangerous or just damn stupid it is. Because that's Dean. Stupid and short-sighted, but brave and loyal and selfless to a fault. He'd die for Dad. I know he would. Just like I know he'd die for me. Just like I know he'd sell his soul for me, like that other Dean did. He said he saw me die. And Ellen said he sold his soul. It doesn't take a genius to work out what went down there.
We need to get out of here, get out of Kansas, go somewhere, anywhere, put some distance between us and the gate. Go somewhere to regroup, to think, to work out our next move. We're too emotionally connected to this place, and not just because Dad is still missing and this is the last place we saw him. This is also the last place we saw Mom.
But I don't think I'm going to be able to get Dean to leave Lawrence. Not when he feels like we'd be leaving Dad behind. Again.
He says he doesn't blame me. He says I'm not a monster. He says I could never go Darkside.
I want to believe him. I really do.