Sam Winchester (swinchester) wrote in snville,
Sam Winchester

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Going home.

So I'm not sure I can do this.

I thought I could.  When I was on the phone, speaking to Zach.  I mean, it'll be great to see him again - I really miss him and Becky and all our friends from Stanford.  But.  I'm not sure I belong there anymore.  It was another life ago.  I'm not that person anymore.  Half of that person burnt up on a ceiing four years ago and now...  I'm not sure what's left.

And it's not fair that every time I look at Dean I want to blame him for everything.  I know it's not his fault.  He didn't kill Jess, that freak Haris did.  And Haris is dead now, so I should feel...different.  Relieved, I guess.  Happy its over.  And I am.  Happy Haris is dead.  But still... Jess...  And all I remember is Dean dragging me away from her to go find Dad.  Dean dragging me out of that apartment when I should have burnt up with her.  And I'm blaming Dean when I know it's really my fault.  It was me Haris was after.  My fault Jess is gone.  My fault Mom is gone.

Dean's all I've got left, and if I keep blaming him for something he didn't do, then I'm gonna lose him too, aren't I?

God.  I know now why Dean hates Kansas so much.  Because I feel the same way about California.


And it's gone now.

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