I thought I could. When I was on the phone, speaking to Zach. I mean, it'll be great to see him again - I really miss him and Becky and all our friends from Stanford. But. I'm not sure I belong there anymore. It was another life ago. I'm not that person anymore. Half of that person burnt up on a ceiing four years ago and now... I'm not sure what's left.
And it's not fair that every time I look at Dean I want to blame him for everything. I know it's not his fault. He didn't kill Jess, that freak Haris did. And Haris is dead now, so I should feel...different. Relieved, I guess. Happy its over. And I am. Happy Haris is dead. But still... Jess... And all I remember is Dean dragging me away from her to go find Dad. Dean dragging me out of that apartment when I should have burnt up with her. And I'm blaming Dean when I know it's really my fault. It was me Haris was after. My fault Jess is gone. My fault Mom is gone.
Dean's all I've got left, and if I keep blaming him for something he didn't do, then I'm gonna lose him too, aren't I?
God. I know now why Dean hates Kansas so much. Because I feel the same way about California.
And it's gone now.